Dos & Don’ts of connecting with new, don't-know-personally Facebook friends

#4 of How to make Real Friends out of your new Facebook Friends 

Making real friends out of your friend-request-added-friends demand social techniques that are frighteningly distinct from playing the numbers game. It is about building relations. 

Do you wish to make friends and not merely add them as profile decorations? 

Do you know that being an online star with 10 million friends is entirely different from making 3 good friends out of total strangers? 

What do girls need to understand before writing to guys they do not know outside Facebook? 

What do men need to keep in mind before connecting with girls they met on the website? 

What are the things men should know before trying to befriend (not seduce!) women? 

What are the Facebook first-contact behaviors that automatically get you ‘un-friended,’ or land you the Unpopular Twink of the Year Award, or leave you languishing in obscurity in someone else’s profile? 

Water the first connection; keep watering it

When dinosaurs walked the earth, my Facebook world consisted of only about 100-150 friends. I used to write alternately, regularly, to each of them (almost) at least once in two months. I reached out to them with simple, general niceties:

• How-are-yous
• Just-dropping-in-to-say-Hi
• Read-your-status-I-hope-you-are-OKs
• Leaving thank-you-for-the-request as ice-breakers et cetera

(Since 2007, when I joined the network, I’d been making a small career out of leaving small thank you notes on the walls of every person who’d sent me an add. 
Fluke became a hard habit. I knew it had started to border on the obsessive when my friend Peter Rutsa remarked wryly, "Al says thank you to everyone, all the time!" I didn't mean to start a trend, trust me, at least not among the north east Indian community here. 

Initially, most of the people coming in were readers who had something to say about my articles or news reports in the newspapers. My sentiment was that If they took time to appreciate my works, or writing in to befriend me, then thanking them for sending me an add was the least I could do in return. 

Over the years, the number of my Facebook friends has grown. The task of saying ‘thank you’ in one sitting to 20-30 persons who sent me an add, for instance, became somewhat onerous. I stopped writing ‘thank you’ to each – about a month ago!)

Alternatively though, I make it a point to interact with them in various other ways, e.g.,

• Likes, 
• Poking (no, I wouldn't poke you unless you did first), 
• Tagging photographs, 
• Sharing links, 
• Writing in when I can, ETC. 

There is no way I'd waste opportunities to knowing people. There is no misery equivalent to being just another statistic on someone’s friend-list.  

Returning to the topic of writing to new people: 

Of course, I never write to random people just like that. What is my Kingfu Panda Technique? Observe the ones that appear decent, and / or demonstrate affability, and are not too loud.

I stay away from the Looking-For-Lover types, the Look-At-Cleavage types, the Social-Mileage-Digging type. You can call me a sophist, pretentious, morality-licking son of a fish but I tell you, I want grounded, dependable people around in my old age, you see. 

By choice, I stay 100 miles away from the aggressive, the loud and opinionated, the attention-seeking post maniacs, the upload-DP-50-times-a-day junkies, and the Like-fishers, too.

Just. Not my crowd. I love world peace.

Anyhow, I still email new people in my friend-list. Not as regularly as I used to, but occasionally just enough to keep the bond oiled.

Of course, it is a hit-and-miss. You’ll need to be cautious if you’re new to this whole write-an-email-approach. Some will respond and take the conversation forward. Some will not. Some might even question your motives.

However, just remember that you lose nothing if you are keen on knowing new people, befriending them and sharing in this big, beautiful world of ours. 

So how do you start reaching out?

Signals

Here is an opportunity: Look out for ‘signals.’ Statuses normally tell a lot of stories. People express their feelings – heartache, loneliness, need or grief, and tragedy – in their statuses.

You can start by doing small things: To those grieving, you may write in offering condolences and sympathy. To those in need, write in offering your assistance. To those celebrating, throw in your congratulations. Birthdays are normally fertile opportunities, where you can connect with them at a personal level 

Caution:

Do not over do it. Likewise, do not write too regularly, at least not initially. You don't want to be thought a drooling mutt that enjoys crowding other's spaces.

Conversely, do not also miss out on noteworthy events that you will be missing the opportunity to befriend the person. Make your presence felt only where apt.

Take the right signals 

Years ago, I wrote to a new friend offering my assistance after reading her status that a writing topic was giving her, well, "PMS.” I wrote to her offering my help. We corresponded, shared ideas, and collated inputs. She completed it. 

Then, she turned out to be someone from one of India’s biggest magazines. Today I write for that magazine as well. And the friend? At this time, she was struggling to send me plane tickets to attend her wedding! (Love you #Kanishka).

Of course, I am not saying someone you wrote to would turn out to be a millionaire who'd eventually gift you a Porche. The whole point is about building relations. Be genuinely interested in people (do not crowd) and you'll win them on to your side of life. 

That is the whole point about friendship, isn't it? You can be with them on important days as and when you can. Normally, I write private messages on their birthdays to wish them (it has better chances at being read than being found on the wall).   

The whole point of this is not to be popular or likeable–it is making friends and keeping the friends you made, remember? Just like flowers, you need to keep watering the friendship: stay in touch, write and interact if you want that friendship to blossom.

Caution:

• Do not push too hard. Take a minute a think whether or not you’ll look intrusive. Writing to offer sympathies is different from offering your help: both are governed by contexts that are different from the other. Does that person really need help? What would he think if you just wrote to say hello? So, take time to think before you rush in with all the good intentions.
  
• Stick to the good old laws of social etiquette. Which of the following introductory emails will most probably fetch you a response?
  
  Email 1 "Hi, thanks for the add! What's your real name? You are soooo hot! I am sure your phone number is hotter. Let's exchange phone numbers!"
  
  Email 2: "Hi, I hope you're doing well. Thank you for adding me / accepting my request. Please excuse me if I'm intruding. I thought maybe I should leave a note to say thank you. Have a wonderful day!"
  
  Example no.2 will win you people. The first one will land you in the Saraha Desert.
    
• Be polite, don't leave expectations ("reply back soon!" or "waiting for your call1") dangling all over the place. Stay calm.
  
• Write, and if you receive a reply, there is nothing more wonderful because you now have the opportunity of taking it forward gradually. But, go easy. Do not push, ask too many questions. Follow the person's lead, if you feel you do not know where to take the conversation.
   
• Do not write too often if you have yet to find a place in the good book of the person you wish to be friends with. People do not take kindly to new people crowding in. It will push people, who otherwise would have been great friends to you, away. They simply unfriend you or report you to the mental asylum for people who have imaginary friends.
  
• In the initial conversations, do not ask personal questions, or ask for phone numbers (unless you have indications that the person is open about sharing you personal contacts). Do not flatter unless your ambition in life was to get ‘unfriended’ at the first ‘hi.’ Follow conversations, not push them.
  
• Keep your emails decent, affable and maybe even lightly funny (easy going people are easier to be comfortable with). The whole point is to show them that you are not fishing for anything and have no other expectation except to befriend them.
  
• Never leave an expectation dangling in your emails: 'Please reply', 'write back to me,' 'I want to hear from you,' 'Check out my profile,' and such small-people-loser stuff are surefire disasters. Stick to the basics, wish them a great day, and continue on. Pressurize them with expectation and they'll give you the unfriend / block treatment.   

• If they do not write back, hey, the burden is not yours to bear. Remember, the whole point is your willingness to being a friend and to befriend. Maybe they’ll write back later; maybe they won’t ever. Do not worry–there are more than 7 billion people on earth and you’ll never run out of potential friends.

Most of my best friends today (best friends in the real world too!) are ones I met on Online (Hi5, MySpace, Facebook, emails etc). If you want to make friends, be a friend to them first. Just start slowly.

Oh, and yes, just one more advice:

If you have a partner, please stay faithful to him / her, even when you are with others in the privacy of your mailbox / chat :)

Coming in the next blog post Sample 'warning' emails for men / women to read before writing to that new male / female friend you met on Facebook

If you want ‘pingbacks’ from your Facebook friends, ping them

Tip #3

Reciprocate: Give, if you want to receive

Remember, the hand that takes can also give. Limiting your sense of value, only to what you receive, will leave you high and dry soon.

Have you noticed how winners win like bosses on Facebook? They have more likes on their images, their statuses are nothing short of a busy cafe, people read their notes, and their links look like a bunch of barnacles were sharing it across the entire internet, their opinions have more likes than others in discussion threads ETC.

These Facebook bosses are life of the party, the “interactors”, and the givers (not just suppliers of Likes!) and "influencers." They have more social capital.

How do they do it? They receive more, win more people on to their side because they give. 

No, they don't give because they want to get more. But simply, the way popular people interact are self-explanatory: They are decent, humorous, never crude, helpful, supportive, and most of all intelligent. Observe their how they interact with people and you'll get the idea.
They enjoy being a part of a community.

The difference between popular people on Facebook and popular Facebook people is this: The former loves being a part of any community; the latter loves being a part of Facebook community.

In other words, the popular people in the first category are popular on Facebook and real life. They are the life of the neighborhood. The popular profiles on Facebook are popular, mostly and generally, on yes, Facebook only. 

Example: Did you get ‘Likes’ from your new friend? Did you just receive a compliment on your photograph from a person you just added? Popular people are gracious. They don't leave it hanging like that. They respond like they have known the person since the age of the dinosaurs. They say, "Hey Matt, you been missing from the war on Facebook. Hope everything's good? Thanks for dropping in. Finally, you like my picture!"

They are genial. They are fun. They are not imposing They are affable. They are natural.   

Here is a small example of how you do it. Respond: Say a simple but gracious ‘thank you’ in response.

(Tip: Tag the person’s name. Calling someone by name has an emotive, respectful value. "Hey Jen, thank you, I am glad you think so!).

Or ‘That is so kind of you. I’m flattered the note gave you something to ponder about.’ Later, follow it up with a gift of your own. It will make the person feel acknowledged.

Note: Don’t jump to that person’s profile sooner as you get a Like / favorable comment / anything positive. Keep it natural or you’ll look like a drooling dog that was just shown a bone.

Note: Do so not because you received one earlier, but because you sincerely meant it. Don’t forget people can tell a drooling bootlicker from a genuine charmer. Bootlickers end up at the bottom of the social food chain while real people continue their reign on the popularity charts. The difference is in being decent, and natural.

When you ‘meet’ that person in your news-feed or in a group somewhere later, return the good turn; offer a compliment, give a Like, appreciate a note, share a link he posted et al

I have seen a lot of people from my community who seem to leave their friends talking to themselves on their statuses, for instance.

Or liking something the owner won’t even bother to return to respond. They respond only to persons who are, say well-known, or popular.

Never stick to just your coterie and cronies if you wish to make friends. Suffice to say, playing favorites means your stock of friends will thin out gradually until you return to your glorious days of posting 100 I-am-so-lonely-nobody-loves-me' meme every one minute.

Interaction is not just having conversations online or “inboxing.” Interaction is also about using the ‘means of connect.’ Write back, write in, comment, respond, Like, Poke, Tag images, appreciate, converse and debate (decently). 
It is the connect factor here. Give, if you wish to receive more. Even dishing out 1 million chips or a life to your poker buddies and Candy crush friends counts too!

That’s giving. You’ll receive in time. Such connections normally turn online friends into real life friends.    

How to not Scare off new Friends on Facebook with the ‘You’

Tip #2

Being ‘you’ is not the same as being the depressed you

Narcissists, loners, trolls, table hogs, and social pariahs have an excuse: They call it the ‘F***-U-I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Think-Of-Me and It-Is-My-Life. They will never make real friends on Facebook. They will grow old posting Emo quotes and Emo images on their walls.

The internet is full of memes of such. Look closely: What depth of impression about their social life do their statuses, likes, comments, and general behavior give you about them?

Deep inside, we are all lonely people looking for acceptance, and companionship. Do you want to make new friends? Real ones?

All of us look for validation.

First step: Shed your self-depriving, and socially-counterproductive IDC attitude and be sociable if you wish to win people. There is scientific truth that positive outlook and countenance have positive effect on people around you. The same with the way you interact with the people you have in your friends-list.

True, every person has flaws. Nobody perfect. Even those super achievers and popular people who rule Facebook. Every one has flaws. Fact: But rules of etiquette, courtesy, grace, manners, decency, and culture still govern society.

The point in being ‘you’ is neither to flash your flaws everywhere, nor in being fake. Is being polite and sociable being ‘fake’? If your sentiment is in the affirmative, I am afraid there is not much we can do to help but to point you back to your cave.

The point in being ‘you’ within a community is not to be a social failure, a loner, and a cave dweller. If you are a non-conformist, why are you on Facebook in the first place? If you chose to be a Neanderthal, the cave is yours.

If you want to rejoin civilization, here are some basic rules of interaction:

However, if you want to win friends (not just add them), be respectable. What about those dudes from the streets who exhibit poor etiquette, show Nazi upbringing in their statuses, drop more F-Bombs than the RAF did on Berlin in 1944, and cuss about lovers, friends, and relatives but still get 100s of likes?

Simple answer: Pigs wallow with pigs. Eagles fly with eagles. Equation: if you are pork, you are going to attract the approval of swine. Therefore, if you want to attract quality people, strive to be a person of quality. If you want to attract only swine, that is your prerogative. Therefore, all I can say for now is, ‘May the great Oink be with you.’

• ·         Be sociable, not groveling
• ·         Be polite, not stiff
• ·         Be softly sunny, not a sweltering summer noon
• ·         Be interactive, not intrusive

Here is the equation: I think the popularity quotient is much higher for those who are 'everyday nice' than the 'star awesome' people. Meaning, Brad Pitt gets to have millions of followers because he's a star. That's his privilege. But he won't be that known as a person as much as that ordinary sunny neighbor kid who's always helping out or goofing about just for the heck of it.

Meaning, be a person, not the you.

Social Trip: It is okay to throw in once in a while fuzzy, grainy photos of you taken on a phone. It makes you look accessible and not some Sitting-on-the-gilded-throne-in-the-ivory-tower sop. If you always use crisp, pro-looking photos, you are going to get likes because of aesthetic reasons (your good, sharp photograph!) but not because you are the kind of person people think you are accessible enough to hang out with.

That's also the 'he / she's so elite' thought you're going to get. In my experience, People's Person-type of impression always attract more potential friends. So don't be too high-tower.

Besides, if you are studio-quality-photo-conscious, you are going to look like someone who's self-conscious, vain, and perhaps a Like-hunter.

Be a people's person, if you want to win friends. However, if you want to be just you, warts and all, great, no problem, the cave is always yours to look out from while the world sparkles with fun.
 
Watch your mouth        

If you are with your best friends, GF/BF, cousins and fellow warts, your free speech will be tolerated to some extent. But with a new friend, watch it. Don't get too opinionated; don't rush into conversations where there are only coteries; don't go "nice boobs" or "nice bulgies, dude"  on new friends. You are never going to befriend them in real. You just showed them what an eager loser you are, right?

Note: Don't forget these tips are about attracting 'quality' people and making real friends out of them. I can't help you if cavemen are what you are looking for!  

Follow a decent, approachable line of interaction and you will see your virtual FB friends (and their friends) gradually warm up to you: your ‘likes’ and responses seem to increase, more people check you out, you start receiving invitations to attend a party, a fishing trip ETC.

Simply, your circle of life will swell. Remember this: After all the narcissism, nihilism, and individualism we wear to protect ourselves, the world still admires values, etiquette, and humanism. Remember: Lack of etiquette is excusable, but to lack of temperament and character is not.  

Next: Tip# 3

Give more, to receive more: If you want pingbacks from your Facebook friends, ping them!

Why politeness and courtesy still matter in making real friends on Facebook

In the introduction to the concurrent tips about not only adding friends on Facebook, but also keeping them, we summarized why friendship is more than just clicking (no pun). It is a phenomenon that needs constant watering. There is a lot going on in each dynamic. Here is the first of the tips. 

Tip #1 

Be Polite: Courtesy out from among Cavemen 

In a world of eye-tripping SMS texts, foul-mouthed trolls, acerbic Bitch Please-es, Jihadist chat-bombers, and such general caveman-nery, the magnificent institution of politeness and manners still go a long way. In a world of cavemen, polite people stand out.

If you want to make friends, you need a dress that is both presentable and fits the occasion. More importantly, you need a dress that offers an idea to others about who you are. You need social skills to help situation take past the introduction.    

Of course, every person has an upbringing behind him to blame if his character came into question somewhere. But in community settings, lacking in manners is no excuse to bombing somebody’s sensibilities. Besides, manners don’t take much. All they need is a sense of respect for people and community norms.  

Be polite, courteous, and affable (just take care not to overdo it or you’ll come across as a lost soul from the great Tea Club of London).

‘I hope you have been doing well?’
‘How are you?’
‘Thank you’
‘Please’
‘May I, please?
‘If it is alright with you …’
‘Thank you for your opinion but I may have to disagree with…’

‘Thank you, you’re kind’

Manners need no effort–it is simply willingness not to pick your nose in front of people even though you can and no power in the world would stop you from doing it. It is simply the willingness to respect the sentiments of the other person.

Example

You enjoy picking your nose. 

Great.

And not even the US government can stop you from picking your nose.
Sure.

But you will not do it.

Why?

Simply put, because it is offensive to the other person. You chose not to offend. Translation: People will respect you if you are respectable and show respect.  

That’s manners. That respect.  

Be polite when you converse with your new virtual friends; disagree respectfully; don’t ask personal questions during the initial stages of friendship, keep your comments on their images / posts / notes / links respectful. It is that simple.  

Trust me, Facebook users (not in your friends’ list yet) just might feel you’re a cool guy and send you a friend request (and many will, at least the way I observe).

Read Next: 

Tip# 2  if you want to make friends, being 'you' does not mean you go all weird. How to notScare off new Friends on Facebook with the ‘You’

How to make real friends out of your new Facebook friends – and keep them

Long title, is it not? Yes, friendship is as complicated. Making new friends and building friendship were once priorities that fed solely off community traditions and social etiquette: regular phone calls, dinners, dates, et al. That institution stood strong until Facebook intruded–it has demystified social taboos and introduced new dynamics into the ages-worth of electives about friendship.

Phones and dinners are still indispensable. However, the social networking site’s offer of proximity and accessibility has relieved relational proscriptions.

Unfortunately, the portal is also responsible for lulling the good expectations into relational complacence: a user may have thousands of friends but barely enough friendships with any of them to be worth enough for him to log in everyday.

Such a user contrasts another who has only few friends (met on Facebook) in his list but shares a deep, personal connection with almost everyone there.

The Stars and the Mortals

What if you could befriend new people, unwrap and find real friends in them? Have you ever wished taking your friends-list into the real world? If you are a celebrity / an accomplished person, your chances of increasing the number of new ‘friends’ are way higher than others–friend requests will come to you.

Likewise, the extent of effort you will have to exert and the opportunity to exerting them, are also as high, at least in mechanic terms – you will get noticed and people generally respond when you reach out by virtue that you are well-known.

Unfortunately, not everyone is a well known person with a list of accomplishments to fall back on. Many have had to try harder at both adding people and seeking opportunities to connecting with them. 

Here are some tips for you if you desire to exact both quantity and quality out of your friends-list. Most of these tips are from personal experience, or more precisely, by trial-and-error! We had no ‘How to make 50, 000 friends on Facebook’ tutorials way back circa 2000s. I opened a Facebook account in 2007. If you wish to, I would be glad to join my small world on Facebook. You will find me here at my new account.

For convenience, I will be positing a tip a day here. If you are interested, keep checking in for subsequent tips. They will include 'connection protocols' and how to employ them, solving boy-girl issues, how to write effective emails to new friends in your list, ETC. 

Here are the tips that might just help you turn the people you added as ‘friends’ into real friends, and keep them.

(Please click on the links. A single post would have been extremely long so I've listed them as separate posts. Blogger has no pagination features, bad!)

Tip #1
Be Polite: Courtesy out from among Cavemen  

Tip #2
How to Not Scare off your new Facebook Friends with the 'You' 

Tip# 3
The Pingback Method: Give if you want to receive  

The Dogs and The Crumbs from the Table: An Email to God

Father:

I lift up this cup to you, for the bile has begun to overflow; it has begun to soil my sleeves. You will hear me. You always did. You must.

I bring you this cup from the forgotten lands where life still haunts the dead. You know the place that I write about here: that forgotten land where the sun shies away and nights dread to enter. 

This cry is familiar to your forgiving ears. You were there too.  

I know you hear me. I know, because you felled the tens of thousands around me. You held back the mighty heavens and chided Hades into quietness – just so I could walk in safety and victory to the place you chose for me. You know that place more than any of us will ever know. You were born there.

I do not seek to hear your voice: on my table, is your answer. The Bible watches me with a smile with the answers, ready, even before my lips had begun forming these screams that shred me to wretched tatters.

Maybe the thorn was mine to bear; that there are wonderful mysteries just not destined for me? Maybe faith has yet to find a home in me to stay. Maybe, I must have to wait a bit longer so you perfect your great plans for me. I understand that my life remembers not to reflect you. That I am a wretch, like the grime of food long lost to the elements.

Nevertheless, Father, I wait – pacifying my intolerant rage by remembering your conversation with that Canaanite wretch.

She came and knelt before you, Father.

"Lord, help me!" she pleaded.

In your grace, quiet power and palpable authority you spoke:

"It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to their dogs."

The universe stopped in its path. Israel could only help not crumbling to dust at your profound words. The winds across the mighty mountains of Canaan paused, afraid to move lest their breathless awe provoked you. Since the chronicles of life began, the master of the universe had never withheld his grace from a mortal being.

I saw the entire heavens stop in single minute of eternity, troubled and waiting just what the master meant, and what you would do. I saw the sun hold its light across your universe, rebuking the night from intruding into that fathomless moment.

Then, I saw the woman lift her chin, reverent, yet undefeated.  

Then the woman spoke.

Divine creation and created creation listened.

"Yes, Lord," she said, "but even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their masters' table."

You smiled, and gifted the woman your universe. The heavens rejoiced you.  

Yes, Father, even dogs wait for the crumbs to fall off the table. I wait for the crumbs to fall of your table…

The windstorm is unforgiving, Father. The battle is not bloody any more – there is no more blood to pay. The allies now draw their swords with my enemies. The more the victory, the farther my allies wander from me. My love now fights beside my foe. Life has sucked the heavens out of my comrades. My ancient armor is broken. I keep losing sight of you amid the bloodied multitude.

I keep falling, Father, and I stand alone in pretend poise and shallow strength as the endless expanse jeer from behind the mountains. Father, all I ask is this: I need a little hand here.  

I do not seek reprieve from this battle. I will not run from this. I will not lay down my sword ever. 

Let my armor splinter and shatter. Let the winds dry the blood along its edges. Let the storm come and lay down its terms of challenge. Let it dare, and I will stand against it.

However, Father, there is something I am desperate for. I do not seek to hear your voice. You already talk to me in your Holy Word.

All I seek, Father, all I seek, is a little hand here. All I seek is a little help here, Father. Help to not giving up. That is all I ask.  

Yes, Father. For, even the dogs waited for the crumbs to fall off the table. Even dogs eat the crumbs that fall off the table.   

Your son,

© 2014 An Email to God Al Ngullie © 2012 Al Ngullie 

Why our Japanese Hairdos now need Japanese Brains

For someone who has had a stint with long cantankerous hair, verdant spikes, and had even flirted with bell-bottoms at one point, I appreciate fashion in all its facets. 

My "contribution" to the scheme appears legit if at all my hoary heavy metal orientation is anything: Spikes, Goth metal chains, shredded skinny denims, Pumas and Converse. I still attend formal government dinners in tired denims, bombed-out ancient Chuck Taylors, and heavy leather wristbands, or my faithful traditional Naga warriors' necklaces. I love their look and feel, and you will never find me without a piece of leather or metal. Or war-worn denims.

That's my latest wristband (and my hand!). The triple band is the latest member of my family of rock accessories:) A wonderful friend gifted the gorgeous band to me. She has a good taste :)  

Now, fashion has a habit of provoking the borders of our cultural skirts especially if you happened to be someone from India's northeastern province. In 2010, The Telegraph called and sought perspectives about the then-climactic surge of interest in Korean and Japanese fashion that was pervading the youth population of the northeastern states. I told them it was merely a temporary movement by teenagers, not a projection of cultural mainstay that we ought to be concerned about.

I understand the national media's interest in the phenomenon, which spread during 2005-2012 across the more liberal states of Meghalaya, Mizoram, and Nagaland. I also understand the criticism from some sections of the stratum against the 'pretentious' movement. 

The Difference between Statement and Stating 

There must be a point of reconciliation somewhere though; a point of reference to gauge what exactly exemplifies (and differentiates) 

• Fashion as a culture of statement, from
• Fashion as a statement of culture  

But then, again, that contention is exactly where the possibility of 'cultural' confusion thrives. I'll try to explain both, and attempt to come at a point of reference between what just might prove itself to be superficial, and what could be of value. 

This is my perspective:

The wave of "Korean" and Japanese "fashion"  would have had been more palatable had the brains and minds of the Koreans and Japanese also arrived with the hair. 

South Korea and Japan walk among the most progressive societies of the world: It is not just their roads, public services, or their obsession with accountability and clean governance. It is also about how they treat their interpersonal lives, family, and community; how they treat public property; how they value their cultural heritage; how they effectively engage education to create catalysts that inject humanism into their pursuit of positive living and productive social will. It is about how they inspire social activism, and how proactive in dealing with corruption, social injustice, and flawed leadership. It is about how they inspire values, and respect for identity even in the face of a world lost to materialistic ethos. 

In other words, at best, Japan / South Korea can meet third-world societies such as ours only at a point of dichotomy. 

If one would just take a minute of introspection, and examine the aesthetic motivation that nurtured the two great Asian cultures, we will find that we are primarily cavemen that just about discovered branded and expensive cars. Forgive my self-righteous denunciations, for I, too, am part of it. Our attitudes to thoughts and systems, education and activism, corruption and governance, and people and society, satisfy motives that are characteristic of small, third-world minds — and living.

Likewise, our attitudes do not reflect the goodwill that we pronounce in the media, social networking communities, and families and relationships. Our progressive statements do not reflect in the behavior of our government. Even basic social propriety is limited only to a few knowledgeable sections of our 'educated' population. Our sartorial expressions do not hold water: Our holism finds reflection only in the small variables, but never in the important demands of social responsibility. in the past more than 50 years, we have failed in the greater goals of development and in the way we demonstrate our ideas of peace and war, progress and activism. 

The Good Fashion = Good Human Quotient  

Now, the preceding statements must sound as if a good set of apparel compulsorily demands a socially — and personally, no less — humane makeover. Perhaps, perhaps not. That line is a blur. Nonetheless, allow me to explain again another point of reference:

To the Koreans or the Japanese, fashion is not an elective compulsion. It is a creative diversion they can afford. I saw a meme on Facebook once. The image showed a young woman, purportedly from NE India. The first image to the composite meme showed her in tasteful apparel. The text in the first image was this: "When outside."

Now the second image showed her in a dingy, dim bamboo dwelling (a bamboo kitchen?). She was dining on "sukha maas chutunty" ( a basic spice-paste made of dried fish and chili. It is consumed as a condiment by tribal communities in NE India). The punch-line on the image was this: "Sukha maas chutunty after coming home." In the corner of the image was the wildly popular symbol of sarcasm known as the "Bitch Please" face.   

That is not to say a person cannot be fashionable, or have a taste for fashionable apparel, if his economic condition failed to qualify conventional standards of elitist narratives. Not at all. What the Meme meant, I believe, was this: We are placing superficial interests and shallow pursuits ahead of real issues and real demands of well-being. 

Allow me, again: My mom returned from the church once, and narrated a conversation she had with a parishioner. "We're barely surviving on their father's meager salary, but they (her children) only want the latest expensive clothes. How can we survive?" the church member, a mother of five teenagers, seems to have told my mother. 

That, my friend, is my point of reference; the difference between the Japanese / Koreans and most youths from NE India.         

Personally, I do not judge what our youths wear. I'm fickle and wild when it comes to fashion too. However, the challenge, I would like to believe, is in trying to be a good person and a proactive citizen when it comes to the problems facing our society, or who I am to my family and friends. The latter is more important to me. I would like to believe that I try to live with that conviction whether I am expressing my opinions in the mass media, or interacting with readers and friends on Facebook. (Would you like to be a part of my small world on Facebook? You'll find me here) 

I do not bother about what could be Japanese or Korean, Nigerian or Burmese, much less about what was American or Martian. My only concern is our youths giving preeminence to fashion sense, when we urgently require a sense of responsibility for the sad direction Nagaland has taken. We always dressed well, but we are also regressed, especially now that our land and people remain in tatters since 20-30 years ago. 

The Koreans and the Japanese can afford to exploit the realms of fashion or philosophy. Why? The answer is simple: the demands of economics, good governance, social harmony, peace, cultural accountability, and the pursuit of social welfare are already in place. Us, we are still looking out our caves. That is not to say Japan or Korea are paradise - just that they do what needs to be done to make their societies a bit of a paradise.

As long as our youths do not learn to appreciate the finer values of civilization in mind and in initiative first, our society shall never find value and beauty in us. After all isn't fashion all about reflecting what is valuable and beautiful?    

© 2014 Minding the Asian Hair Al Ngullie © 2012 Al Ngullie 

Dandelions

Dandelions always fascinate me. These lovely, tiny, humble, wild flowers represent survival, strength, and renewal. I'm afraid my writing skills at poetry are woefully inadequate, much less even offer a semblance of civilized verse. I struggle to learn from my friends Rita Krocha and Temjen Anichar, and my accomplished doyens Monalisa Changkija and Temsula Ao whose middle names are poetry, and justified by their accomplishments as persons of verse in the industry. Nonetheless, I dedicate this small "poem" (or whatever it appears to be) to the wonderful woman I love. (Image source: Baldmountainretreat) 

                                                        Wherever you are,

                                                        I hope you hear me.

                                                        No matter how far,

                                                        I hope you see,

                                                        My name, from afar.

                                                        I call out your name,

                                                        As wandering winds do,

                                                        When the storms they hide,

                                                        Struggle to break through.

                                                        I call out your name,

                                                        For reasons, just the same.

                                                        I hope you hear me.

                                                        I bring nothing,

                                                        But dandelions so tiny,

                                                        And joyful they sing.

                                                        I hope you hear me,

                                                        It is I.

                                                        Poverty stalks my gift,

                                                        But It is all, I can give.

                                                        I just wanted to know,

                                                        How you have been.

                                                        I cry your name,

                                                        From this naffer alley.

                                                        Lonesome is the path,

                                                        On which men of war rally;

                                                        Littered with spirits broken,

                                                        And scattered stories unspoken.

                                                        Fondness, has no regret;

                                                        Faith, owes no secret.

                                                        I remember you,

                                                        I remember your heart, too.

                                                        I hope you’re in goodness;

                                                        I hope you hear my wishes.

                                                        I only wanted to say ‘hello’,

                                                        And gift you these dandelions,

                                                        That smile from meadows so yellow,

                                                        That smile from meadows so yellow.

© 2014 Color of Dandelions Al Ngullie © 2012 Al Ngullie 

Passionflower for Thursday

I worship the way she walks. How gently, yet confidently, she floats in. You do not deny passage to princesses. She walked in today too, just as the princess she was.

Her hair is a cascade of liquid crystals, and her steps leave joyful blossoms of diamonds and grateful earth when she walks. She is a princess. Her name is panacea.  She is rain. My rain.

Thursday was an angry day in our fetid, sweltering city of Dimapur. The day was interesting. I cooked a wonderful pile of something. Later, I would fail to recognize my creation at the dining table. Nevertheless, mom was all too happy to care what I concocted in the kitchen. United and standing tall, mother and son vanquished whatever it was that I had prepared in the name of glorious hunger.

The food followed a bout of what we now call “Imkumtime” (No, you may not ask what the name means. It is classified space).

So there we were, bloated in God’s rich nutrients and seated for Imkumtime:  It is a leisurely moment where we spend time with each other. Sometimes we talk; sometimes we just sit and read that day’s headline; sometimes we exchange our theories about why Chelsea (our team) has had a poor run since winning our Champions trophy the previous season. Imkumtime is a time no other human dare intrude. Ever.  

After Imkumtime, I made tea and cleaned the house. The day outside was pleasant on Thursday morning. It was warm but not searing. It was perfect for another writingthon for me.   

Restlessness is my name. I do not remember a time that I wasn't writing three articles side-my-side, or have a guitar in my lap while writing (or typing, in the recent years). I am the king of multi-tasking. I love how ideas converge, fight, and bloom into a clear perspective. I worship how they piggyback a string of random ideas, each as disconnected as the other, yet still managing to make sense. Multitasking can be an obsessive but rewarding foible if you made a habit out of it.

All of us have capricious writing habits. For instance, my friend and writer, the accomplished Easterine Iralu, wrote to me recently stating that she junks entire manuscripts to restart writing if she found it didn't appease her literary hunger. I can empathize with the first novelist from among the Nagas: By sheer habit, I open three-four new Word documents and start recording my thoughts. The article that fails to satisfy is fodder for the recycle bin. 

There are those times too, when I delete entire batches of completed articles only to start writing “new ideas” again. Sometimes, it is not one, but an entire batch of completed articles that I delete.

Thursday was yet another writingthon for me. When two articles failed to pan out, I erased the lot and started another. The third piece was progressing well, but then the weather began picking up in the afternoon.  So did my restlessness. Alongside the in-progress article, I began parsing some HTML and programming Codes for the Eastern Mirror website, my current employment.

As the afternoon peaked, the work began turning insufferable: the ideas in my writing became erratic, parsing errors began creeping into my HTML and I wanted a cup of tea – if not for the gradual hum of winds that began around 4:00 PM from somewhere west. I smelled her. She was not far.

She came. She came gently at first, before announcing her regal self fully with a joyful shower.

Mom was too happy welcoming the rain. She opened all the doors and windows and let the winds in. Summer fled.  She was here.

She wears panache.  I love the rain. I love how she brings a gift of memories and the beautiful face of the woman to whom I have given my heart.    

'Passionflower’ is a song by British musician Jon Gomm. This song has no doubt that the rain belongs to me. 

 

© 2014 Thursday and Rain Al Ngullie © 2012 Al Ngullie