The Anatomy of incompetence: The social dysfunction of the Naga people

 

Photo by Sergio Souza.

We speak about how the Naga people and their generations have changed, which is essentially a premise we employ to make comparative assumptions about things positive or negative. Personally, I feel times do not change; Nagas did not change — they merely changed their options.     

The personality of any society is decided primarily by the choices of the individual. His choices are then reflected on his immediate family, for instance. The family then projects the learned behavior on people outside their immediate circle of kinship — friends, lovers, neighbors, colleagues et al. This phenomenon is called introjection — the unconscious adoption of the thoughts or personality traits of others in speech, behavior or value systems.     

We are lax about the failure of the state system; we normalised corruption; normalised soppy clichés that pass for academic discourse; normalised the loss of modesty among Naga women; normalised weak, whiny men who cannot distinguish moral courage from self-absorbed righteousness. 

If one can assess whether or not a person reads good literature just by the way he talks, or determine his familial upbringing by how he treats others, then how effortless to point to the downfall of the Naga cultural capital merely by looking to their families.

Meaning, each of us is responsible for this sad, steaming pile of chaos that Nagaland and her people have become. 

We created a monster out of good intentions applied wrong.  

Nagaland Legislative Assembly: A fudging hyena hole

You must be aware by now that the Nagaland Legislative Assembly sat for approximately 15 minutes. Only.

Yes, 15 minutes.

When I think of the people sitting in the assembly, only God knows the depth of violence that wrestles to break free from the confines of my veins.

How many times do we have to claw at the walls for a catharsis to release this rage that we feel at the core of our souls?

How many more minutes do we have to add to our decades of suffering because of this group of yesterday's dinner masquerading as guardians of the people of Nagaland?

"Leaders"? Yes, those lying, spineless, cowering, lily-bellied, moneyed, pagan, bloated, steaming pile of drooling antiquities sitting smugly in the hallowed temple of people's welfare.

What with everything wrong with Nagaland and her people today—

• The corruption, the corrupt departments, the corrupt public services, the corrupt and incompetent public offices and imbecile administrations;

• The imbecile community leadership led by the spineless, lying, glory-hunting Naga Hoho and their spineless lily-bellied children such as the vision-less NSF, the biased NMA and the NPMHR and their horde;

• The institutional morass and functional decay in almost ever piece of law, justice and public administration; the endless extortion masquerading as "tax"; the threats and lies; the blood of innocents still waiting upon justice to come; the spineless Nagaland judiciary and their bloated guardians;

• The mafia vegetable sellers and fuel dealers; criminals cartels masquerading as meat dealers, tertiary businesses and auto rickshaws; the deficient public services industry;

• The thousands of unpaid qualified teachers and the thousands of paid bogus teachers;

• The corrupt government officials—especially those in the education departments—still walking free;

• The endless length of shameful roads across Nagaland; the deficient power and water infrastructure, and the deplorable public amenities;

• The murky fund roll of the Nagaland government and the way it has been handling public funds

and etcetera etcetera etcetera etcetera—

But these "leaders" found time to emerge from their holes for only 15 minutes to raise their hands to a salary hike and crawl back in?

I confess: As a human, the only words this very minute that are tearing at me, screaming to explode from my belly, are not polite, dulcet and politically correct statements—only vulgar names, obscene words and filthy language screaming at me for at least one opportunity.

I mean it.

You and I know that sometimes F-words are the only words that can calm your soul. F-words are the only words that can sometimes perfectly tell a million stories with one word. One F-word can sometimes describe a hundred grievance.

Obscenity and vulgarity claws at me. Especially for that Hindutva-worshipping, pagan and foreign, incompetent sitting in the chief minister's chair lording over my people and my land.

15 minutes?

In a diseased dystopia like Nagaland, has it ever struck your mind what a 15-minute government assembly session even means?

15 minutes is a terminology that means they don't give a flying fudge about you or your pain. Never forget that.

Was there not even one leader out of the 60 in the assembly who felt the pain of the people?

May God's grace always cover us from contemplating upon violence and war as the only means left to explaining our misery.

May we always raise our hands to courage, truth and justice, and to peace.

May He look upon us with favor for at least fighting back the growing monster within us — for still believing in goodwill, noble leadership, wisdom and peace and Christian values.

(Al Ngullie)

Nagaland's HSLC & HSSLC Honors: Colonial Visages and Reformist Appropriation

(I squirrel away every loud thought on public domains. This one was posted in a group on Facebook. I felt to archive it here).

The prestige accorded to HSLC and HSSLC results has outlived its purpose. It cries for retirement. I believe that the tradition–my mind sees it to be a form of academic vanity–are antiquated, needless, and extraneous.

Our reverence for high school achievements is a remnant of parochial colonial traditions when achievements were defined according to expertise levels of that time. See, 90+ years ago in Nagaland / among the Naga, class-x was the first standard of the highest educational qualification a Naga could ever attain.

My context is this: The most attainable ‘highest’ standard of academic qualification for the ancient Naga to land a job was class-v. Just ask an elder member from your family. Hence, by appropriation, class-x was deemed higher. Hence, by Interpretation, more prestigious.

But this is 2016. Yes, this is 2016.

• The world has already placed a man on the moon.
• Quantum physics and space technology are being challenged as “narrow” sciences by revisionists.
• Blogging–even before we the Naga have even fully understood it, is slowly fading from the web market. The 12-valve torque for F1 cars is being replaced.
• A remote keyboard for mobile phones is being designed.
• Pablo Picasso has already come and gone.
• Japan has transformed herself into a world power in mere 49 years.

This, indeed, is 2016.

Are we not aware that the average Naga during said era could manage only till middle school, that too at 35-40 years of age? That was the standard of the times. Likewise, it reflects the expertise and levels of intellectual temper during said eras. One need not be reminded that the concept of technical education, for instance, was as nonexistent as much as ideas of doctorates were alien concepts back then among the Naga.

Indeed, it is true that the Angami, the Ao, the Lotha and the Sumi Naga (please read in alphabetical order!) had pioneers who secured graduate degrees and even doctorates to become the first among the myriad Naga communities. But academic movements at the level of research scholarship emerged primarily during the ‘70s and the ‘80s only.

See, exceptions don’t make traditions. Rules are what create traditions. Hence, the perception about class-x being the highest attainment has over the past half a century become superfluous–colonist finery that offers nothing more than self-aggrandizement.

A bonus to that vanity parade is the free publicity that attention-hungry organizations and schools can devour. It’s wonderful to get our faces printed in our newspapers thanks to our achieving children. Show me 10 HSLC/HSSLC toppers over the past 20 years who found glory at class-x to become social assets. And I’ll show you 50 toppers who are today nothing more than neighborhood drunks and “educated unemployed.”

Toppers, however, deserve the honor. They raced with thousands and outran them. Naturally, society must honor them as exceptions.

However, having said that, I have no doubt that that the governments and education stakeholders are biased, even if benevolent in context. If you would honor high school and higher secondary school achievers, wouldn’t honoring toppers from the Bachelor’s and Master’s academics be even more natural?

Aren’t degrees superior achievements–academically at least? Let us honor school achievers only because there are higher levels of intellectual slants such as degrees. Let us single out the BA/B.Sc, MA/M.Sc, and research toppers. Let us laud them with the same passion and the publicity and willingness that we employ when honoring school achievers.

We the Naga are skilled in embarrassing ourselves with our often parochial and impressionable posturing. We glorify the inane but neglect the exceptional. How much more failings would we have for life and the world!

The superficial ceremonies of our small minds appear to have been given birth by prejudice and frail vanities.

Now, why do you wonder that we are called a developing, third-world society?

(Al Ngullie)

Maputila

Maputila, the tiny Pumpkin, the cutest pumpkin ever. Tiny, mini, miniature, and all yellow. 

And no, Maputila is a name I made up just because.   

(Image credit:www.crafthubs.com)

  

That Just-Perfect Angle: The Age of Images and Old Age

This piece is both a catharsis and an idle reflection: the former for the steaming orgy of grand delusions, and the latter for my fascination in things that comprise the former.

Circa 2005, The Morung Express: My first real mobile phone was a Sony Ericsson z700i. The device had a magical facility to it called 'camera.' The word "selfie" hadn't even reached the world then. The word 'Selfie' is believed first used or first used on the Internet by an Australian man Nathan Hope in 2002. The enterprising man posted an image of his hideously busted lips following a happy introduction to beer.

The word 'selfie' would invade our lives 6-7 years since. Anyhow, my colleague Sorei Mahong and I took what we know today in context as a selfie. Or a Twofie, whichever fits your butter.

Selfie: That first-person view of one’s self, fearfully doctored by profoundly embellished notions of goodness. Selfie: That intimate declaration of acceptance lovingly pacified by confident assurances of perfection–or the denial of imperfection.

Selfie: That just-perfect angle that balances the truth of every man as an island with the angry falsity that he’s the centre of the universe.

Selfie: A person’s deeply intimate meeting with own fantasies, when he looks into his own eyes.

Today, selfies and the art associated with them are anything but a novelty. They are virtually everywhere—delightful to the point of mild euphoria, ubiquitous to the point of noticeable fault, and tiresome to the point of overt insult.

I'd been thinking about that movement of hedonism and was talking with Momma about it the other day. The conversation stirred up this question:

One day I'll run out of youth, taut skin, and romance and fire, and reasons to make love with selfies. I'd have become old, wrinkly, and wearied.

Be assured that I'm not vetting our love—by delusion or by fact—for images. Therefore, let me be clear that I’m not denouncing our obsession with appearance. In fact, as awkward, ordinary, and insufferable as my face is (I have a small but successful acne business on it too!), I occasionally dip into a selfie or two too. A brisk calculation just might crunch a number of around 4-5 selfies to my credit since 2005!

Simply, this note is merely an attempt to express a contemplation to explain the difference that can be between

• Beauty as a fond reference that causes remembrance in people

Example: 'Naro was the queen of Facebook likes when she was young. Now at 40, she already looks like the behind of an asparagus gone gloriously wrong'

And

• Beauty as a token of legacy that causes fond remembrances in people.

Example: 'Naro was much loved in college because of her humility and compassionate work for the people. She is that beautiful even at 90!'

One day, we will fade into age—old, wrinkly, and wearied. We will have run out of good looks, youth, and out of selfies. How then would people remember you as: a beautiful person, or a person who was once beautiful? What they come to think of you will be beyond your control.

More importantly, how do you wish to determine the image people would remember you by? That is something you have control over. How? Simple: You can start with looking at people with the same eyes of beauty that you look at yourself.

And you’ll find that just-perfect angle. That just-perfect angle that will shape the face of your heart and life—and shape the eyes of people who look at you and your life. That just-perfect angle.

An Open Letter to cancerFighter, Braveheart Lamtsala Sangtam

Dear Lamtsa, 

I wish for a kinder circumstance, and for better words to come, and come even easier to say to you. There was a minute that I was writing these sentiments as a private mail to you after reading your status-update on Facebook. 

Then, there came this thought: perhaps offering this letter in the open would somehow carry the winds of your story to the people, friends and strangers alike; narrate to them a piece of your tale of courage, and plant lessons of faith wherever they fall, on arid creag beds and rich loam alike. 

Those wonderful lessons to serve to instruct our feeble lives with your warrior's self: she whose name was forged in the furnace to burn blessed meanings into our minds and hearts. 

Lessons from you about what it truely means to fight real battles, learn what it means to grin genuine grins in the face of a terrible, terrifyingly blind adversary, and learn what it means to be a true conqueror whose struggle opened eyes. 

Lessons from your fire through which each of us would grow to learn better about love, life, and other blessed mysteries so that they would come to burn fiercely throughout our lives—offering warmth in times of harsh cold and shining down comforting light in times of darkness. 

Lips and hearts in Nagaland and beyond are praying for you in acts, in faith, and in acts of faith. And here I am too as if worthiness clothes me. As inadequate as my person is, allow me to say these words to you: Knowing the kind of life and filth that I live, you should be the one praying for me that I would come to have the glorious faith you burn on, the bottomless strength you carry, and the melting cheer of indomitable hope that you shine out. 

Seeing the depth of goodness,  the strength and God in you, our hearts are broken in a new, wonderful and beautiful ways. Please then, break our hearts further! Please then, shatter them into a thousand pieces until we become beautiful again!

Frailty and failing are my person, and I feed on transgression and wear weakness for clothes. Even the slightest upheaval in my life troubles my knees and leaves my arms weak. 

But you, look at you. Look at you. I should be seeking your prayers instead—to live the way you live, to stand and fight the way you fight and grip God with the strength you grip Him—and how! 

Yet, if we seek the same grace and the faith that you have, it also means as much that our hearts stand with you—even if from a great distance we can only watch you fighting your soul-sapping fight. 

I cannot imagine what fortitude your loved ones, especially your parents, relatives, and your partner, Mhathung Odyuo, must be mustering every day. God bless their hearts. God bless their hearts. 

It is only so much we can say. It's only so much we can do. 

With embarrassment at my inadequacy and failings, and as if I were even a Christian by plain definition, I join the many true believers in Nagaland and beyond who are clawing at God for you. If the prayers of my faithless self even counts at all, even if my prayers flow from a mouth dripping with sin, please do know that your name is being spoken in my small prayers. 

Return in victory soon. 

God, life, healing, and every blessed mystery to you, Lamtsa. 

In Jesus Christ's wonderful name, Amen.

Why You Mustn't Grow Old, Ever

My darling beautiful momma is in her mid-60s now. Her walk and mien carry stories of toil; of age and frailty and strife that a vagarious world threw at her.

But you will never–indeed ever–know a person younger than my mom once you have met her: I know she'll love you and you'll love her.

For a person who’s now readying for the sunset years, mom still squirrels away anything that’s tiny, cute and colourful:

* Colourful little cell phone bags

* Anything pink and yellow
* Slippers with tiny yellow ribbons
* Toasters with teddy bears
* Colourful crockery
* Biscuit containers that have flowers on them

You’ll find her even carefully arranging tiny cars and dolls my nephews and nieces keep at our place for the weekends.

And yes, Mom loves–I mean deeply loves–football. Anyone from my family will tell you that there’s one 60+ years old deaconess in Nagaland who stays up till 2:30 AM watching European Premier League.

Momma, a 60+year old women leader with Dimapur Lotha Baptist Church, I tell you–I swear to you–also loves (I swear again)

* Van Helen
* Michelle Branch
* Whitney Huston
* Roxette 
* White Heart
* Petra
* Eric Johnson

I swear.

Her phone is filled mostly with classical and rock guitar instrumentals, Christian rockers Petra and classic hard rock Van Halen hits, besides the usual menu of hymns and worship songs. She listens to them literally every night. Just ask my brothers and sisters and nephews / nieces and cousins.

And yes, Mom has dreams to travel to Israel and Venice one day. She wants to take out a safari in Africa. She reads English literature to improve her English. She loves The Voice and So You Think You Can Dance.

She wants to take a course in tailoring. She loves running shoes and Sneakers although she can barely walk briskly. She wants to meet MP Neiphiu Rio and give him a message about what Jesus Christ wants Naga leaders to do.

October 1 is International Day for the Elderly.

But I tell you, the day is not to celebrate the accomplishment of age–it is to celebrate lives and life.

Mom has taught me a truth: age and beauty were never connected in any way.

Only when you have given up on your dreams, you will have lost your youth finally. Let’s never grow old.

I hope you never grow old, my friends. I hope your heart will never know age.

The day you let go of your dreams, will be the day you start to age.

Don't.

What it means to be truly advanced

(A reflection following a local tribal community in Nagaland banning the opinions of newspaper editor Monalisa Changkija)

It was in 2008. That small conversation is still vivid. I recall turning to my former colleague Longrangty Longchar and declaring to him, “Believe me, Longti, the first district in Nagaland to implement the 33% reservation of seat for women will be Mokokchung.”

I still chew my words and have yet to complete eating them.

Now, the Ao Senden – of all the organizations to ever represent a Naga plethora – would find itself yet again in our familiar bamboo groves. The groves from whence we naked savages emerged to find an air-plane. Monalisa Changkija was merely a piece of conscience.

Maybe – just maybe – we may have to forgive the little human foibles of our bucolic community leaderships for issuing diktats to cull pet dogs (and imposing exorbitant fines on owners who protest!).

And such small inhumanities, and go on with our lives.

Maybe – just maybe – all that we can do is simply to pull at the hem of our suits, and offer a piece of pretend mien that drips with uptown complacence. That political gesture just might diffuse any awkward askance at us, on our histories, and into our little pathological flaws. And insecurities.

Maybe – just maybe – a pinch of salt to accommodate our rusted minds; that our pompous interpretation of old history just might find new inspiration in this new age.

Maybe – just maybe –turning the cheek just might thwart any awkward assessment from superior minds about our society and how we face life and educated sensibilities.

Unfortunately, history does not decide the future. It is the present that feeds history. What feeds the present is how we use history. My father and his family were pioneers too – some of the Naga peoples’ first generation of high-ranking state officials, and educationists. And many other Naga families and communities were so too.

Unfortunately, that does not make me a pioneer.

Censuring intellectual freedom, free speech and freedom of conscience fits the taxonomy of inhumanity which only socialist blood-mongers such as China and North Korea are capable of. They bite just because they discovered they had teeth to bite with.

Education is only a tool, not the fruit. Our grandfathers were pioneers, not us. I tell you, to be truly civilized you must refuse to be slave to prejudice. 

You must honor humane intellectual traditions before you can be called advanced.

That, my friend, is what it means to be truly civilized.

Dos & Don’ts of connecting with new, don't-know-personally Facebook friends

#4 of How to make Real Friends out of your new Facebook Friends 

Making real friends out of your friend-request-added-friends demand social techniques that are frighteningly distinct from playing the numbers game. It is about building relations. 

Do you wish to make friends and not merely add them as profile decorations? 

Do you know that being an online star with 10 million friends is entirely different from making 3 good friends out of total strangers? 

What do girls need to understand before writing to guys they do not know outside Facebook? 

What do men need to keep in mind before connecting with girls they met on the website? 

What are the things men should know before trying to befriend (not seduce!) women? 

What are the Facebook first-contact behaviors that automatically get you ‘un-friended,’ or land you the Unpopular Twink of the Year Award, or leave you languishing in obscurity in someone else’s profile? 

Water the first connection; keep watering it

When dinosaurs walked the earth, my Facebook world consisted of only about 100-150 friends. I used to write alternately, regularly, to each of them (almost) at least once in two months. I reached out to them with simple, general niceties:

• How-are-yous
• Just-dropping-in-to-say-Hi
• Read-your-status-I-hope-you-are-OKs
• Leaving thank-you-for-the-request as ice-breakers et cetera

(Since 2007, when I joined the network, I’d been making a small career out of leaving small thank you notes on the walls of every person who’d sent me an add. 
Fluke became a hard habit. I knew it had started to border on the obsessive when my friend Peter Rutsa remarked wryly, "Al says thank you to everyone, all the time!" I didn't mean to start a trend, trust me, at least not among the north east Indian community here. 

Initially, most of the people coming in were readers who had something to say about my articles or news reports in the newspapers. My sentiment was that If they took time to appreciate my works, or writing in to befriend me, then thanking them for sending me an add was the least I could do in return. 

Over the years, the number of my Facebook friends has grown. The task of saying ‘thank you’ in one sitting to 20-30 persons who sent me an add, for instance, became somewhat onerous. I stopped writing ‘thank you’ to each – about a month ago!)

Alternatively though, I make it a point to interact with them in various other ways, e.g.,

• Likes, 
• Poking (no, I wouldn't poke you unless you did first), 
• Tagging photographs, 
• Sharing links, 
• Writing in when I can, ETC. 

There is no way I'd waste opportunities to knowing people. There is no misery equivalent to being just another statistic on someone’s friend-list.  

Returning to the topic of writing to new people: 

Of course, I never write to random people just like that. What is my Kingfu Panda Technique? Observe the ones that appear decent, and / or demonstrate affability, and are not too loud.

I stay away from the Looking-For-Lover types, the Look-At-Cleavage types, the Social-Mileage-Digging type. You can call me a sophist, pretentious, morality-licking son of a fish but I tell you, I want grounded, dependable people around in my old age, you see. 

By choice, I stay 100 miles away from the aggressive, the loud and opinionated, the attention-seeking post maniacs, the upload-DP-50-times-a-day junkies, and the Like-fishers, too.

Just. Not my crowd. I love world peace.

Anyhow, I still email new people in my friend-list. Not as regularly as I used to, but occasionally just enough to keep the bond oiled.

Of course, it is a hit-and-miss. You’ll need to be cautious if you’re new to this whole write-an-email-approach. Some will respond and take the conversation forward. Some will not. Some might even question your motives.

However, just remember that you lose nothing if you are keen on knowing new people, befriending them and sharing in this big, beautiful world of ours. 

So how do you start reaching out?

Signals

Here is an opportunity: Look out for ‘signals.’ Statuses normally tell a lot of stories. People express their feelings – heartache, loneliness, need or grief, and tragedy – in their statuses.

You can start by doing small things: To those grieving, you may write in offering condolences and sympathy. To those in need, write in offering your assistance. To those celebrating, throw in your congratulations. Birthdays are normally fertile opportunities, where you can connect with them at a personal level 

Caution:

Do not over do it. Likewise, do not write too regularly, at least not initially. You don't want to be thought a drooling mutt that enjoys crowding other's spaces.

Conversely, do not also miss out on noteworthy events that you will be missing the opportunity to befriend the person. Make your presence felt only where apt.

Take the right signals 

Years ago, I wrote to a new friend offering my assistance after reading her status that a writing topic was giving her, well, "PMS.” I wrote to her offering my help. We corresponded, shared ideas, and collated inputs. She completed it. 

Then, she turned out to be someone from one of India’s biggest magazines. Today I write for that magazine as well. And the friend? At this time, she was struggling to send me plane tickets to attend her wedding! (Love you #Kanishka).

Of course, I am not saying someone you wrote to would turn out to be a millionaire who'd eventually gift you a Porche. The whole point is about building relations. Be genuinely interested in people (do not crowd) and you'll win them on to your side of life. 

That is the whole point about friendship, isn't it? You can be with them on important days as and when you can. Normally, I write private messages on their birthdays to wish them (it has better chances at being read than being found on the wall).   

The whole point of this is not to be popular or likeable–it is making friends and keeping the friends you made, remember? Just like flowers, you need to keep watering the friendship: stay in touch, write and interact if you want that friendship to blossom.

Caution:

• Do not push too hard. Take a minute a think whether or not you’ll look intrusive. Writing to offer sympathies is different from offering your help: both are governed by contexts that are different from the other. Does that person really need help? What would he think if you just wrote to say hello? So, take time to think before you rush in with all the good intentions.
  
• Stick to the good old laws of social etiquette. Which of the following introductory emails will most probably fetch you a response?
  
  Email 1 "Hi, thanks for the add! What's your real name? You are soooo hot! I am sure your phone number is hotter. Let's exchange phone numbers!"
  
  Email 2: "Hi, I hope you're doing well. Thank you for adding me / accepting my request. Please excuse me if I'm intruding. I thought maybe I should leave a note to say thank you. Have a wonderful day!"
  
  Example no.2 will win you people. The first one will land you in the Saraha Desert.
    
• Be polite, don't leave expectations ("reply back soon!" or "waiting for your call1") dangling all over the place. Stay calm.
  
• Write, and if you receive a reply, there is nothing more wonderful because you now have the opportunity of taking it forward gradually. But, go easy. Do not push, ask too many questions. Follow the person's lead, if you feel you do not know where to take the conversation.
   
• Do not write too often if you have yet to find a place in the good book of the person you wish to be friends with. People do not take kindly to new people crowding in. It will push people, who otherwise would have been great friends to you, away. They simply unfriend you or report you to the mental asylum for people who have imaginary friends.
  
• In the initial conversations, do not ask personal questions, or ask for phone numbers (unless you have indications that the person is open about sharing you personal contacts). Do not flatter unless your ambition in life was to get ‘unfriended’ at the first ‘hi.’ Follow conversations, not push them.
  
• Keep your emails decent, affable and maybe even lightly funny (easy going people are easier to be comfortable with). The whole point is to show them that you are not fishing for anything and have no other expectation except to befriend them.
  
• Never leave an expectation dangling in your emails: 'Please reply', 'write back to me,' 'I want to hear from you,' 'Check out my profile,' and such small-people-loser stuff are surefire disasters. Stick to the basics, wish them a great day, and continue on. Pressurize them with expectation and they'll give you the unfriend / block treatment.   

• If they do not write back, hey, the burden is not yours to bear. Remember, the whole point is your willingness to being a friend and to befriend. Maybe they’ll write back later; maybe they won’t ever. Do not worry–there are more than 7 billion people on earth and you’ll never run out of potential friends.

Most of my best friends today (best friends in the real world too!) are ones I met on Online (Hi5, MySpace, Facebook, emails etc). If you want to make friends, be a friend to them first. Just start slowly.

Oh, and yes, just one more advice:

If you have a partner, please stay faithful to him / her, even when you are with others in the privacy of your mailbox / chat :)

Coming in the next blog post Sample 'warning' emails for men / women to read before writing to that new male / female friend you met on Facebook

If you want ‘pingbacks’ from your Facebook friends, ping them

Tip #3

Reciprocate: Give, if you want to receive

Remember, the hand that takes can also give. Limiting your sense of value, only to what you receive, will leave you high and dry soon.

Have you noticed how winners win like bosses on Facebook? They have more likes on their images, their statuses are nothing short of a busy cafe, people read their notes, and their links look like a bunch of barnacles were sharing it across the entire internet, their opinions have more likes than others in discussion threads ETC.

These Facebook bosses are life of the party, the “interactors”, and the givers (not just suppliers of Likes!) and "influencers." They have more social capital.

How do they do it? They receive more, win more people on to their side because they give. 

No, they don't give because they want to get more. But simply, the way popular people interact are self-explanatory: They are decent, humorous, never crude, helpful, supportive, and most of all intelligent. Observe their how they interact with people and you'll get the idea.
They enjoy being a part of a community.

The difference between popular people on Facebook and popular Facebook people is this: The former loves being a part of any community; the latter loves being a part of Facebook community.

In other words, the popular people in the first category are popular on Facebook and real life. They are the life of the neighborhood. The popular profiles on Facebook are popular, mostly and generally, on yes, Facebook only. 

Example: Did you get ‘Likes’ from your new friend? Did you just receive a compliment on your photograph from a person you just added? Popular people are gracious. They don't leave it hanging like that. They respond like they have known the person since the age of the dinosaurs. They say, "Hey Matt, you been missing from the war on Facebook. Hope everything's good? Thanks for dropping in. Finally, you like my picture!"

They are genial. They are fun. They are not imposing They are affable. They are natural.   

Here is a small example of how you do it. Respond: Say a simple but gracious ‘thank you’ in response.

(Tip: Tag the person’s name. Calling someone by name has an emotive, respectful value. "Hey Jen, thank you, I am glad you think so!).

Or ‘That is so kind of you. I’m flattered the note gave you something to ponder about.’ Later, follow it up with a gift of your own. It will make the person feel acknowledged.

Note: Don’t jump to that person’s profile sooner as you get a Like / favorable comment / anything positive. Keep it natural or you’ll look like a drooling dog that was just shown a bone.

Note: Do so not because you received one earlier, but because you sincerely meant it. Don’t forget people can tell a drooling bootlicker from a genuine charmer. Bootlickers end up at the bottom of the social food chain while real people continue their reign on the popularity charts. The difference is in being decent, and natural.

When you ‘meet’ that person in your news-feed or in a group somewhere later, return the good turn; offer a compliment, give a Like, appreciate a note, share a link he posted et al

I have seen a lot of people from my community who seem to leave their friends talking to themselves on their statuses, for instance.

Or liking something the owner won’t even bother to return to respond. They respond only to persons who are, say well-known, or popular.

Never stick to just your coterie and cronies if you wish to make friends. Suffice to say, playing favorites means your stock of friends will thin out gradually until you return to your glorious days of posting 100 I-am-so-lonely-nobody-loves-me' meme every one minute.

Interaction is not just having conversations online or “inboxing.” Interaction is also about using the ‘means of connect.’ Write back, write in, comment, respond, Like, Poke, Tag images, appreciate, converse and debate (decently). 
It is the connect factor here. Give, if you wish to receive more. Even dishing out 1 million chips or a life to your poker buddies and Candy crush friends counts too!

That’s giving. You’ll receive in time. Such connections normally turn online friends into real life friends.    

How to not Scare off new Friends on Facebook with the ‘You’

Tip #2

Being ‘you’ is not the same as being the depressed you

Narcissists, loners, trolls, table hogs, and social pariahs have an excuse: They call it the ‘F***-U-I-Don’t-Care-What-You-Think-Of-Me and It-Is-My-Life. They will never make real friends on Facebook. They will grow old posting Emo quotes and Emo images on their walls.

The internet is full of memes of such. Look closely: What depth of impression about their social life do their statuses, likes, comments, and general behavior give you about them?

Deep inside, we are all lonely people looking for acceptance, and companionship. Do you want to make new friends? Real ones?

All of us look for validation.

First step: Shed your self-depriving, and socially-counterproductive IDC attitude and be sociable if you wish to win people. There is scientific truth that positive outlook and countenance have positive effect on people around you. The same with the way you interact with the people you have in your friends-list.

True, every person has flaws. Nobody perfect. Even those super achievers and popular people who rule Facebook. Every one has flaws. Fact: But rules of etiquette, courtesy, grace, manners, decency, and culture still govern society.

The point in being ‘you’ is neither to flash your flaws everywhere, nor in being fake. Is being polite and sociable being ‘fake’? If your sentiment is in the affirmative, I am afraid there is not much we can do to help but to point you back to your cave.

The point in being ‘you’ within a community is not to be a social failure, a loner, and a cave dweller. If you are a non-conformist, why are you on Facebook in the first place? If you chose to be a Neanderthal, the cave is yours.

If you want to rejoin civilization, here are some basic rules of interaction:

However, if you want to win friends (not just add them), be respectable. What about those dudes from the streets who exhibit poor etiquette, show Nazi upbringing in their statuses, drop more F-Bombs than the RAF did on Berlin in 1944, and cuss about lovers, friends, and relatives but still get 100s of likes?

Simple answer: Pigs wallow with pigs. Eagles fly with eagles. Equation: if you are pork, you are going to attract the approval of swine. Therefore, if you want to attract quality people, strive to be a person of quality. If you want to attract only swine, that is your prerogative. Therefore, all I can say for now is, ‘May the great Oink be with you.’

• ·         Be sociable, not groveling
• ·         Be polite, not stiff
• ·         Be softly sunny, not a sweltering summer noon
• ·         Be interactive, not intrusive

Here is the equation: I think the popularity quotient is much higher for those who are 'everyday nice' than the 'star awesome' people. Meaning, Brad Pitt gets to have millions of followers because he's a star. That's his privilege. But he won't be that known as a person as much as that ordinary sunny neighbor kid who's always helping out or goofing about just for the heck of it.

Meaning, be a person, not the you.

Social Trip: It is okay to throw in once in a while fuzzy, grainy photos of you taken on a phone. It makes you look accessible and not some Sitting-on-the-gilded-throne-in-the-ivory-tower sop. If you always use crisp, pro-looking photos, you are going to get likes because of aesthetic reasons (your good, sharp photograph!) but not because you are the kind of person people think you are accessible enough to hang out with.

That's also the 'he / she's so elite' thought you're going to get. In my experience, People's Person-type of impression always attract more potential friends. So don't be too high-tower.

Besides, if you are studio-quality-photo-conscious, you are going to look like someone who's self-conscious, vain, and perhaps a Like-hunter.

Be a people's person, if you want to win friends. However, if you want to be just you, warts and all, great, no problem, the cave is always yours to look out from while the world sparkles with fun.
 
Watch your mouth        

If you are with your best friends, GF/BF, cousins and fellow warts, your free speech will be tolerated to some extent. But with a new friend, watch it. Don't get too opinionated; don't rush into conversations where there are only coteries; don't go "nice boobs" or "nice bulgies, dude"  on new friends. You are never going to befriend them in real. You just showed them what an eager loser you are, right?

Note: Don't forget these tips are about attracting 'quality' people and making real friends out of them. I can't help you if cavemen are what you are looking for!  

Follow a decent, approachable line of interaction and you will see your virtual FB friends (and their friends) gradually warm up to you: your ‘likes’ and responses seem to increase, more people check you out, you start receiving invitations to attend a party, a fishing trip ETC.

Simply, your circle of life will swell. Remember this: After all the narcissism, nihilism, and individualism we wear to protect ourselves, the world still admires values, etiquette, and humanism. Remember: Lack of etiquette is excusable, but to lack of temperament and character is not.  

Next: Tip# 3

Give more, to receive more: If you want pingbacks from your Facebook friends, ping them!

Why politeness and courtesy still matter in making real friends on Facebook

In the introduction to the concurrent tips about not only adding friends on Facebook, but also keeping them, we summarized why friendship is more than just clicking (no pun). It is a phenomenon that needs constant watering. There is a lot going on in each dynamic. Here is the first of the tips. 

Tip #1 

Be Polite: Courtesy out from among Cavemen 

In a world of eye-tripping SMS texts, foul-mouthed trolls, acerbic Bitch Please-es, Jihadist chat-bombers, and such general caveman-nery, the magnificent institution of politeness and manners still go a long way. In a world of cavemen, polite people stand out.

If you want to make friends, you need a dress that is both presentable and fits the occasion. More importantly, you need a dress that offers an idea to others about who you are. You need social skills to help situation take past the introduction.    

Of course, every person has an upbringing behind him to blame if his character came into question somewhere. But in community settings, lacking in manners is no excuse to bombing somebody’s sensibilities. Besides, manners don’t take much. All they need is a sense of respect for people and community norms.  

Be polite, courteous, and affable (just take care not to overdo it or you’ll come across as a lost soul from the great Tea Club of London).

‘I hope you have been doing well?’
‘How are you?’
‘Thank you’
‘Please’
‘May I, please?
‘If it is alright with you …’
‘Thank you for your opinion but I may have to disagree with…’

‘Thank you, you’re kind’

Manners need no effort–it is simply willingness not to pick your nose in front of people even though you can and no power in the world would stop you from doing it. It is simply the willingness to respect the sentiments of the other person.

Example

You enjoy picking your nose. 

Great.

And not even the US government can stop you from picking your nose.
Sure.

But you will not do it.

Why?

Simply put, because it is offensive to the other person. You chose not to offend. Translation: People will respect you if you are respectable and show respect.  

That’s manners. That respect.  

Be polite when you converse with your new virtual friends; disagree respectfully; don’t ask personal questions during the initial stages of friendship, keep your comments on their images / posts / notes / links respectful. It is that simple.  

Trust me, Facebook users (not in your friends’ list yet) just might feel you’re a cool guy and send you a friend request (and many will, at least the way I observe).

Read Next: 

Tip# 2  if you want to make friends, being 'you' does not mean you go all weird. How to notScare off new Friends on Facebook with the ‘You’